One treatment left to go.........

Hello everybody......I'm so sorry it's taken me this long to post an update. I've not had very much time, and when I've had the time, I didn't feel well enough to do it. As you can see from the title of this post, I have one radiation treatment left, and that will be on Monday. The first time I met with Dr. Ballenger, my radiologist, she told me that I would have thirty treatments. Not long after we got started, she said she was going to do 25 to my entire right chest, and then 5 to just my scar. The afternoon of my 24th treatment, I found out that she had ordered 28 to my chest, and 5 to my scar. That was my breaking point emotionally. It might not sound like any big deal to you, but believe me, it is. By treatment 24, I was starting to itch like crazy, I was starting to get sensitive enough that I was uncomfortable wearing a bra, and I was good and tired of having to go everyday. Ever since March 8th, it had been one thing after another. I was having to work when I didn't feel like working; and even on my days off, everything centered around my appointments. I drove home that day with a slight attitude and a BIG pity party. After all, hadn't I been strong up until now? Wasn't everybody thinking I had such a positive attitude? Well, I'm here to tell you, it wore off that day. This was getting old......Here I was psyching myself up, thinking I only had one more treatment to my chest, then I'd be in the home stretch...........NOT........

So, I felt sorry for myself and went home and stayed on the couch until bedtime. The next day it was all I could do to make myself go to work. All day long I dreaded going to radiation, and when I got there, I had difficulty holding back the tears. I was so tired of lying on that table, being pulled and pushed until my markings lined up, hearing the hum of the lasers as they penetrated my skin............I was at my breaking point.

And then I got a grip......I thought about how much worse it could have been. My scans were clean. I had a mastectomy with clean margins. I went through over four months of chemo without vomiting once.........I had two loving parents who were doting on me. My bills were paid. I could eat what I wanted, bathe and dress myself. Even though I didn't want to, I was able to work. I laid there and started to praise God for all the blessings I had experienced, not only since March, but my whole life through. I praised Him and I thanked Him for getting me up until that point; and I told Him I knew that He hadn't brought me that far to forget about me now. And that was the end of my pity party......

And now I have had 32 treatments. I am in pain, a lot of pain at times, but I know now that I can make it. It's like God has given me what I need to get through these last treatments, and even though it hurts, I know I can make it. My chest is scarred, and now even charred, but it's only for a time. ("Scarred and Charred"........maybe I'll write a book and call it that!) I'm not in much pain if I don't move, but when I do, it's hard to do anything at all. I have started taking 800mg of ibuprofen (which is an anti-inflammatory) every 6 to 8 hours. That seems to be helping. I also have a prescription moisturizer that I am applying several times a day. My skin is very red, it's oozing, and sometimes comes right off in my hand. I can't help but be reminded of all the people that said, "It's not that bad." Maybe for them it wasn't. But I had a very aggressive cancer that my own estrogen was feeding. My cancer was aggressive, and my treatment had to be aggressive. For every radiation treatment that I have received, I have had what is called a "bolus" strapped to my chest. This is something that "tricks" the lasers into thinking that they are not penetrating enough, so they go deeper. I have markings on my chest that were done with permanent markers. They have clear stickers on them to keep the markings from washing off. All of these stickers are now seared into my chest. At times, while doing my exercises, a few of these pulled and came unstuck. This resulted in the skin coming off with them, leaving ulcerated areas every where that it happened. Sometimes applying the moisturizer causes blisters to rupture, and it feels like I'm applying alcohol instead of moisturizer. So, you see, it IS that bad. One thing that I have learned about breast cancer is that every patient is different. There are different types of procedures, different chemo drugs with different dosages, different types of radiation with different dosages.........it varies from one patient to another. You cannot compare someone who has a lumpectomy, no lymph nodes removed, no chemo, and 33 radiation treatments to me. I had a radical modified complete mastectomy, 25 lymph nodes removed, chemo, and enhanced radiation. After all that, I feel pretty certain that I can say, "Yes, it was bad, it was very bad; but, it could have been much worse....." God has carried me through this storm, and I have not made it in my own strength.

As you can tell from reading this, I go through a wide range of emotions. I have tried not to go off on tangents, but I feel that it's important for people to understand what a cancer patient goes through. Even being a nurse, and watching my granddaddy die of lung cancer, I still had no idea what he went through. And until you've walked in that person's shoes, you don't either. I want to take this time and thank you for the prayers, cards, calls,....... everything that you have done to help ease this burden. And anything you did for my mama and daddy as well. I have always thought this was harder on them watching it than it was on me. I think the hardest moment was watching my mama try not to cry while I was having my head shaved. I am so glad though, that it was me that got cancer and not her.

I still continue to receive my Herceptin treatment every three weeks. My last one was Monday, and my white cell count had jumped from 2.68 to 4.9. All of my other labs continue to improve as well. I still battle fatigue, but a lot of that is from the radiation. I have an appointment with my oncologist, Dr. White, on November the 1st. This is to discuss my hysterectomy and hopefully, receive the orders to have my scans repeated. Having never gone through this before, I don't know if there's a certain amount of time that you have to wait before having them repeated. From what I understand, the radiation causes tremendous inflammation, which can be misleading on CT scans.

Update on Kellie: my friend, Kellie, is improving in leaps and bounds! At first, she was gaining enough strength to hold her eyes open and use her hands a little. Then it was being able to breathe over the vent a little and being able to swallow her own saliva. From there, she had her catheter removed and started working with PT and OT. Next thing I knew, she was being weaned off the vent. When I saw her on Tuesday, she was off the vent completely and had just been moved to rehab. I walked in, and she was sitting up in bed eating! She was on a soft diet and was eating a little bit of applesauce. She had a valve over her trach which was shutting it off. Because of this, I was able to hear her voice for the first time in almost two months! Thank you so much for praying for Kellie. What a tremendous testimony she is going to have when all of this is said and done.

Well, I'm going to stop for now. I've sat here until I've gotten stiff, and I need to move around and get a few things done. I am at my townhouse, and my cousin, Robin (Knox) Wilson, is coming to spend the weekend with me. (And she's bringing oatmeal and raisin cookies with her!)
I have all of the windows open and the house is flooded with sunlight and a cool breeze is flowing through. I love this time of year...

Again, I'm sorry it took so long for me to post an update. I will try and do better in the future. I have some ideas for future blogs. I'm thinking "Things They Don't Tell You Before Your Mastectomy" or "Things You Never Say to a Cancer Patient". Here's one: "The Advantages of Chemo"! That reminds me.......my hair is now long enough that it warrants an occasional shampoo. A hairbrush is still overkill, but a finetoothed comb is beneficial. It looks like it's going to be kind of salt & pepper to me, but Mama said it's a "pretty blonde". Of course, she got me in front of a couple of cousins last night and said "possum blonde", so it's hard to say what color it's going to be. I don't care what color it is as long as it comes back. You can finally see my eyebrows, but my eyelashes are still real short. They're blonde too. I've asked God to send 'em back longer and thicker than ever before!

Gotta go now. Take care, and have a great weekend,

Cindy